Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Over 1 in 3 women in the United States experience rape, physical, violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner in their lifetime
That statistic is according to data from The National Domestic Violence Hotline. In conjunction, 28.5% of men are also victims. Keep in mind- this is only reported cases; meaning the real rate is more than likely higher. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that over ten million women and men are physically abused by a partner every year in the U.S; or every nine seconds.
Abuse is not limited to physical violence; it can also be isolation, controlling behaviors, insults, degrading, belittling, withholding needs, coercion, demanding passwords, dictating what a person wears or how they spend their time, and more. There is a wide array of strategies that an abuser could use to gain and maintain power or control over another- whether it's purposeful or not. Understanding the cycle of abuse is imperative to cancelling the cycle and knowing the signs that indicate when it's happening.
Have you ever heard that on average, it takes seven attempts for a survivor to leave an abusive relationship? "Why don't you just leave?" Well, it's a bit more complicated than that... and this can also apply to toxic relationships that are mentally and/or emotionally abusive on their own. Relationships typically don't start off abusive. Picture this: you meet someone organically. They understand you, you click, everything feels great and the relationship grows. You realize six months in that they have a temper with things that irk them, but who doesn't? As the attachment grows, the trauma bonding begins and with that- the cycle of abuse.
Let's talk about the steps of the cycle. It starts with stage one Tension: being frustrated, not sleeping, or having problems at work. You may not even think about it too hard, but it leaves you with walking on eggshells around your partner to get through the day with avoiding a fight.
But let's say the fight wasn't avoided this time. Now, you've slid into stage two Incident: the tension has exploded and you may see yelling, insults, throwing objects, or manipulating emotions. Doesn't everyone have anger though? Sure! Everyone gets mad... but how do they express it? An abuser takes it too far, and it may not start immediately. The anger could simply be expressed by yelling and moving on. Yet again, one month later that same anger could turn into throwing a filled soda can or physical abuse against their partner.
They do not have to hit you to be an abuser
Stage three Reconciliation begins, otherwise known as the honeymoon period. They're nice, they brought home a gift, they gave you compliments, or maybe even apologized for what they said or did last time. They could promise that it won't happen again. This is where survivors are reminded of how things used to be in the beginning of the relationship before the cycle of abuse began. It's also why the cycle is so hard to break, because the survivor lives through the first two stages just to get to the honeymoon phase. Why persevere?
The honeymoon phase in the cycle of abuse is a loaded gun because the victim's brain releases a surge of bonding chemicals to the abuser. Dopamine, the brain's reward system triggers a rush that's similar to an illegal substance/drug. The sudden shift from high stress (cortisol and adrenaline spikes during abuse) to sudden calm tricks the brain into subconsciously viewing the abuser with relief. Kind of backwards, right? Essentially, the victim is in a severe and involuntary drug dependency within their brain. This continues through stage four Calmness, where things feel normal for a short period of time. There's relief that it's over, until the relationship goes back to stage one of the cycle.
Rose gold may be a trend, but rose-colored glasses are limiting a victim to seeing what's truly happening to them. The excuses begin to pour in. "It was just an accident." "I fell down." "He was just having a bad day,' and truly, a victim may really believe that because their brain will not allow them to see what's happening. In the end, there are two outcomes: life or death. One in five homicide victims are linked to an intimate partner- a statistic by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. The FBI lists it as this: 75% of domestic violence murder victims are female, with over 11,000 victims in five years. So yes, it is that serious. Know the signs and do what you can to protect yourself, your friends, and your family.
Wait- what about those that break the cycle and choose life? That's where we step in. After a victim has turned into a survivor and uproots their life to move into a shelter, they have a safe roof over their head and are likely participating in a confidential therapy program offered by the shelter that they're staying in; along with other resources to get back onto their feet.
At Illuminate, we raise money to provide in-kind donations to shelters across the country by focusing on one per year for our large donation of around $10,000 on average. Survivors getting back on their feet is just the start. Often times, they leave with one bag or nothing at all. We use donations to purchase toiletries, bus tickets, bags, baby formula, clothing, and more for survivors so that they can focus more on their personal recovery and less on providing.
To learn more about Project 2026, click here: Project 2026 | Illuminate
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